Clean Slate

One of the things you use to deal with panic attacks is something called a grounding technique. A grounding technique is something you do that returns your focus to the present. If your mind exists in the now, then you can regain control of your body and break the heart-pounding, breath-catching fury of the panic attack. It can be as simple as brushing your teeth or as complex as a body-twisty, meditive pose.

What works for me is putting on my make-up.

I know it sounds silly, but it's true. Something about cleaning my face, then sitting down in from of the mirror and going through my whole ritual relaxed me. It pulled me out of my head and banished the fear and the worry. Exorcised all the anxiety.

Over time, I began to realize something else about putting on my make-up and I know it's going to sound silly too, but it's true -- I like it. I really do. I like it a lot. Looking good makes me feel good. Feeling good makes everything better, makes everything easier.

And all those feelings? They unlocked some other things...I had always liked this hadn't I? Make-up and flourishes and experimenting with new looks? Yes, I had. And I was good at it, wasn't I? Yes, I was. People had complimented me on the sweep of my lip gloss, the fine arch of my eyebrows, and the blended shades of my eye shadow. And I wanted to do more, didn't I? Yes and not just more with make-up, but more with outfits and styles and sharp dramatic looks.

I had forgotten all that. I had allowed the tide of self-doubt to sweap it out, far out to the deep places where there was no bottom for you to touch even with your tippy toes, where there was nothing but the choking tentacles of fear that pull you under the churning seas to fill your lungs with bitter and salty water.

But I didn't have to allow that anymore, did I?

No. No, I did not.

I could use this to resurrect the confidence experience beat out of me. Make-up and clothes and wigs could be my route to a second breath of life.

Yes, I could.

Yes, I will.

Lesson #1: To evolve, to transform, you must bare it all.