Although I See A Darkness

I’m blind in my left eye and have been since I was a little girl when the doctors discovered a tumor behind that eye. The procedure to remove it cost me the sight in that eye and left the pupil misshapen.

Round about three years ago, I started getting bad headaches. The pain was focused around my blind eye and eventually that eye began to hurt. A specialist here in town ran a number of tests that revealed my eye pressure was high. Like ready to pop high.

That’s a scary thought. *POP*

That doctor prescribed a cocktail of eye-drops and sent me to a specialist elsewhere. Without insurance it was pricey, but we made it happen and eventually, the right combo of drops kept the pressure under control. Now, I see the specialist here in town couple of times a year to monitor the level. My husband’s new job comes with insurance so the specialists, while still expensive, aren’t the same burden.

Everything was fine until about six months ago.

Around the time I started having the panic attacks, my right eye started hurting. My good eye. The one I can see with. Then came headaches and dizziness. And now, most recently, floaters—swirly black specks blurring my vision.

So, it was back to the local doctor who ran tests and couldn’t find a cause.

Then back to the specialist in Indy. He examined my good eye and couldn’t find the culprit. So he proscribed a whole range of new tests I’d never heard of and, apparently, the hospital hadn’t either—they had to look them up.

It was a nightmare. An absolute fucking nightmare. They were testing me for some horrible, horrible things that offered nothing but suffering. Hell, at one point, they thought I had Behcet’s disease. Let me tell you, stuff like that really doesn’t make therapy and trying to deal with near-crippling panic attacks any easier.

Thankfully, the doctors decided it’s not Behcet’s disease—I don’t have the lesions. Instead, they diagnosed me with fibromyaglia. Sill a terrible disorder, but not as terrible as Behcet’s. The bad thing is even with that diagnosis they still don’t have a clue what the fuck is wrong with my sighted eye other than some kind of Vasculitis, a swelling of the blood vessels.